How to Ride the Subway

... in a way that won't make people hate you. Hello! Welcome to New York City! Are you visiting our fine city? Have you recently moved here? Have you lived here forever and are just realizing you're kind of an asshole on the subway? Great! Let's get started.

1) DON'T DO THIS! Do you see all those people standing around you? They'd like to hold onto that pole wedged between your buttcheeks. Leaning against the pole is obnoxious. You're the only one standing? Ok, whatever, make all the butt love to that pole you want. Packed train? NO. Stand there and hold the pole with ONE hand, like everyone else, you special little person, you. If you are truly disabled and cannot stand for a long period of time, ask someone to give you a seat. Which brings me to my next point ...

2) If you see someone disabled/pregnant/elderly, and you are an able bodied individual, give up your damn seat. Stop being a lazy prick. I'll be the first to admit that occasionally I am so engrossed in whatever I'm reading I don't notice someone standing nearby that I should have given my seat to until I'm getting up for my stop. But this obviously happens rarely, not everytime I ride the train. Staring off into space and actively ignoring the person struggling to stand there is douchey.

3) Let people off the train before you get on. Don't push past them for a seat, you lazy shmuck. The train isn't going to suddenly pull away with you halfway in the door. You'll have plenty of time to get on. This also includes standing right in front of the door. You think you're doing the right thing by not actively pushing past me to get on the train, but if you're blocking me from actually exiting, you're still an idiot.

4) Yes, train delays suck. But shouting, cursing, kicking the conductor's door if you're in one of those trains is not a solution. I mean, do you think the conductor is doing it on purpose? "Oh that guy has to get to work? Well I guess my smoke break is over!" No. Shut up.

5) Don't leave your crap on the train. It's rude. Someone has to clean it up. When you put your half empty coffee cup on the floor and it spills, I step in it and I'm annoyed. Same goes for wet umbrellas. Hold them. Don't put them on the seat next to you, so that someone gets a wet butt if they unknowingly sit there when you leave.

6) Men, you don't need to spread your legs so wide that you take up two seats. Congratulations, you have balls. Most men do. If they're truly so big you need to do a split, maybe you should see a doctor? Could be elephantitis? Ladies, I get it, I carry a big bag too. iPad, lunch, wallet, umbrella ... but your bag doesn't need its own seat on a crowded train. Put it on your lap.

Congratulations! You have now completed the "How to Ride the Subway Like a Considerate Human Being" course. You've earned a ride on the train! Just go insert $2.50 into the nearest metro card machine to claim your prize.