Overwhelmed

Quote: Andy Dwyer, Parks & Rec, Pic: Buzzfeed

Lately I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed: the frustration that is family court, finances, taking care of a child on my own, dealing with the puppy, classes resuming and work picking back up now that summer has ended, etc.

I'll be the first to admit that patience is not my strongest quality. Whining drives me nuts. I get overly irritated when the dog pees on the floor. Ironically, I've been told I have the "patience of a saint" at work for being able to put up with my boss. Maybe it's the fact that although he behaves unreasonably sometimes, I'm able to actually communicate with him? I can explain to my boss why his request is unrealistic or why he's being overly difficult. I cannot, unfortunately, explain to the dog why the carpet is not an acceptable place to urinate. I just have to teach and reinforce consistently, and hope she gets it eventually. Same with Audrey. Well, Audrey doesn't pee on the carpet. Anymore. But I have to explain why whining is not the way to get what you want over and over again. I have to repeat requests multiple times sometimes, and then explain why this is not ok. Although bedtime rolls around every day, I still have to deal with the inevitable "Noooo! Please five more minutes!" (I have started giving several warnings leading up to bedtime and have found that helps).

I have to remind myself to take a deep breath when I want to freak out. I have to remind myself not to stress over the small stuff. I have to remind myself that my kid is happy, healthy, and has everything she needs and then some. I have a good job, a nice home in a great neighborhood, a life I've built for myself. I need to remember to pat myself on the back once in a while. I may have dived into this motherhood thing totally unprepared, without a clue as to what I was doing, but I'm clearly doing something right. So although I do need to continue to work on my patience, I shouldn't beat myself up over feeling overwhelmed occasionally.

30 Days of Good Habits

"They" (Idk who they is and I don't feel like googling so ...) say that it takes 30 days to turn something into a habit. We are going to Florida for a long weekend a month from tomorrow, on September 26. So for the next 30 days, I'm going to work on establishing some healthy habits in my life.

1) Daily Exercise. At the minimum, 10,000 steps a day. I plan to join a gym next week and also get in a few real workouts per week.

2) Vitamins Daily. I take a Multi-Vitamin, Fish Oil, Iron and B3. I'm not very good at remembering to take them. I bought one of those 7 Day pill sorters, which made it easier, but still need to get better at taking them every day.

3) Apple Cider Vinegar. I mix 1-2 tablespoons into a glass of water with about a 1/4 cup of cranberry juice. Delicious, it is not. There are various articles that explain the benefits of ACV. Most say its effects on weight loss are minimal to nonexistant, but it does help with lowering blood sugar. I have PCOS, and Diabetes is a common complication of PCOS. I don't have Diabetes and would like to keep it that way. ACV is also supposed to be good for your skin, hair, etc. I also don't eat breakfast as soon as I wake up. I usually wait till I get to work and eat at my desk. A glass of this concoction helps keep the cravings at bay and deters me from running to the cafeteria for a bagel instead of eating whatever healthy breakfast I packed.

4) Calorie Counting. Yes, calorie counting sucks. No, it isn't a way to live forever. But I want to lose a little more weight, and calorie counting has been the only thing that's ever worked for me. I use the Lose It! app on my phone, which is awesome.

5) Lotion. Ok so, I have kind of dry skin. I'm good about moisturizing my face daily but not so much at the rest of it. I need to get better about putting on lotion as soon as I get out of the shower.

6) Green Tea. There are tons of benefits to drinking green tea. I try to drink a glass shortly after lunch every day, but haven't been great at remembering.

I've picked up a lot of good habits over the years. I mostly drink water now. I have a soda maybe once a month. I've never really liked dark soda (Coke, Pepsi) but I LOVE San Pellegrino, especially the Melograno e Arancia. I do drink coffee every day, 1-2 cups. Otherwise, I'm pretty good at getting in at least 80 ounces of water a day, usually more.

I've also cut out the fake healthy food. The 100 calories packs, the low cal options, diet Snapple - all the stuff pumped with artificial crap. (I know my soda per month is pumped with artificial crap but on a daily basis, I avoid it.) I eat a lot more fruit and veggies than I used to.

So my goal for the next month is to implement the 6 things listed daily, and turn them into lifelong habits, with the exception of #4. Once I've lost the last bit of weight I want to lose, I'll stop calorie counting and just focus on eating healthy and portion control.

On Learning New Things

Last summer, I learned how to drive a manual car. My brother was staying with me last summer, and he had a car he offered to bring to the city and share, but it was manual, and I didn't know how to drive it.

My mother had tried to teach me when I was 14 or so (just driving around the neighborhood). I think I made it a few hundred feet before I gave up. My stepfather tried again five or so years later. Again, didn't make it very far. This time around, my boyfriend was the one to teach me. I wanted to give up, to be honest, but I really wanted use of a car for the summer, so I stuck it out, and after a couple hours, had grasped the basics. My second lesson was with my brother, in the city, in the car I would be driving.

My brother's car is um ... interesting? It's a 1994 Accord. My boyfriend's was a 1995 (Turbo Charged? Super Charged? I don't know these things) BMW M3. Not the easiest things to learn on. After that second lesson, I was on my own. Thankfully, the car was well maintained and runs well, so I didn't have any problems with the car itself but learning was definitely an experience. I obviously drove on my own, without Audrey in the car, for a while till I felt I had the hang on it. My first time driving after those two lessons was from NYC to Pennsylvania. Yea. No quick little trips around the neighborhood or town.  I just went for it.

Since I was only driving on weekends, it took some time to get used to it. After the first weekend, I felt comfortable enough driving with Audrey in the car (I had been driving for ten years by that point, so it's not like I was a new driver all together). I still stalled sometimes though, so when I got to the point where I wasn't stalling when I went from sitting still to first gear, Audrey would clap and cheer me on from the back seat. Seriously, the first time I was able to start driving without a hitch Audrey's reaction was clapping and "Yay, great job Mommy!" Thanks, kid.

Last summer, Audrey got a new bike and a helmet. For the first couple weeks she wore the helmet all the time. I sent this picture to my family and everyone's response was that she was wearing it to protect herself from my driving in the manual car ... funny.

I didn't drive much in the fall and winter months because my brother had to bring the car back to our parents' house when school started again, but this summer, I'm totally comfortable driving stick. I think I still prefer automatic, but I'm really glad I learned how to drive manual. It definitely teaches you a little more about how a car works, and is a useful skill to have. I wish I had learned a decade ago.

Learning this new skill made me want to learn more new stuff. A weird fact about me: I never learned to ride a bike as a kid. Seriously. Like my early lessons at driving stick, I gave up too quickly because it didn't seem like a necessity. Most of my friends either lived close enough to walk or too far even for a bike ride. There wasn't much of an in between, and as I got older it just got more embarassing to do lessons outside, so I never looked back. Now I think I'd like to learn, especially as Audrey gets older and will soon be riding more than tricycles. Plus, it'd be great exercise.

There are other hobbies I'd like to take up as well. I'd love to learn to knit. I'd like to get better with computer related stuff - coding, website design, etc. I took 5 semesters of Italian in college and got pretty good at speaking it, but lost most of it in the years since, so I'd like to start studying that again. Maybe I should make one of the 101 in 1001 lists ...

Oh, New York

The View from New Jersey

 

This article from Buzzfeed explains some of my feelings about New York lately. Most of the time, I love living in NYC. Sometimes, though, I'm ready for a change of scenery. Lately, the man friend and I have been discussing (finally!) combining households, but he doesn't want to live in New York. The compromise we have come up with is New Jersey - somewhere where we can live in an actual house with some sort of outdoor space, but still commuting distance for me.

Although this will still be in close vicinity to Manhattan, I can't help but feel hesitant. The biggest reason, of course, being my apartment. My apartment is rent stabilized, and is a needle in a haystack find. It's inexpensive by New York standards, and big (also by New York standards ...). It's in an amazing neighborhood, zoned for an excellent public school. There are, of course, drawbacks though. Although I don't have any neighbors to the left or right of me (it's a narrow building, so only one apartment in the front and one in the rear on each floor), I still have to be mindful of the upstairs and downstairs neighbors. This was particularly stressful when Audrey was a baby, and it's stressful now with a puppy who starts yapping for attention at 6am. Also, it's a no-frills building. No amenities. No outdoor space, unless you count the fire escape. Ha. Third floor walk up. I have to schlep my laundry three blocks. The building is very safe - quiet, mostly family of the owners who have lived in the building most of their lives. They are very strict about giving out keys, which is great in that it adds to the secure feeling of the building, but is sometimes a pain. I could never give keys to a sitter or a boyfriend. It's old, and some rooms are in desperate need of a makeover. And yet, I know I'll never find a better deal should I give it up.

As for New York itself - I mean, it's New York. It's crazy, busy, packed to the brim with stuff to see and do and eat, but also with tourists. I love that public transportation is so easy to use, but hate that I don't have a car sometimes - trips out of the city, grocery shopping, etc. I love that I can have any I want delivered to my front door, but wish I could just hop in a car and run to Target or something. I love all there is to see and do and explore here, but sometimes wish I could just open my back door and kick back in a chair with a cup of coffee (or wine...) while Audrey runs around in our yard.

Some random finds from around New York:

The Lego Men in Seal Park



This fun find in some random park I found walking around one day

The Piano under the Brooklyn Bridge

I know there is more to the world than New York. I don't know why I feel so strongly that this is my home. Maybe there's some psychological reason to be found related to my childhood in the Poconos, surrounded by New York transplants and "summer kids" (families that lived in New York but kept summer homes in the Poconos). I remember 15 year old me telling my boss that I wanted to go to Columbia. I later opted for NYU instead, but NYU was the only school I applied to.

My aunt lived in my apartment before me, for over 20 years. She also moved to New York for college and never left. She was diagnosed with MS as an adult, and slowly lost the ability to walk, but held on to the third floor walk up apartment for as long as possible. I don't want to hold on because I feel like I can't let go of an apartment. I can probably sublease it, but only for so long. You can't cross the ocean unless you have courage to lose sight of the shore, though, right? Probably too melodramatic for a post about giving up my apartment in order to try out living in New Jersey.

If I move, and I regret it, can I come home again? Or will New York no longer feel like home? I fantasize about a dishwasher and a second bathroom and a yard and a parking space, but don't want to give up being able to go no further than a few blocks for almost anything, to have Indian, Chinese, Thai, Italian, you name it - all within a 3-4 block radius, being a short train ride away from gorgeous parks, amazing museums, finding the random little oddities around our neighborhood. So basically, what I'm saying, is I need to make millions of dollars for the life I want in New York, but it ain't happening, at least not in the near future. So do I sacrifice the space and the comforts at home for New York, or sacrifice New York for the house?

I'm aware this post sounds like the ramblings of a whiny schizophrenic. Hopefully someday I'll be able to look back at this and laugh, either from the comfort of my large home in Weehawken, or my high rise luxury apartment on the Upper West Side.

Confession: I Don't Want Any More Kids

 

What else could I need?

I feel like that's less of a confession in Manhattan, where lack of space and cost of living make smaller families more attractive, but I still feel like having more than one child is the norm for most of the country. I've heard the usual questions, mainly concern for Audrey. As in, shouldn't she have a sibling? Well, shouldn't every little girl have a pony? No? Ok. That's how much sense it makes to have another child simply to please the first one. Although I can't imagine my child being pleased with a sibling, she enjoys the attention on her. Won't she be spoiled as an only child? No, I don't feel like my child will grow up to be spoiled as a result of her only-ness. I have no problem saying no to her. I have no problem letting her know that my attention is not always going to be 100% on her - as long as she's safe, she can learn to entertain herself while Mommy cooks dinner or cleans or just has 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

I just don't feel like I have the patience for another child. I'll never be one of those people who oohs and ahhs over babies. I loved my baby, but I never had baby fever. Frankly, I don't care about other people's kids. I don't feel like I'm looking at a magical little unicorn spewing rainbows everytime I see a small child. There's no tug from my ovaries. At no point since my child's birth have I ever thought "Well, maybe ...".

Cue cheesy "Just the two of us..." lyrics

The older my child gets, the easier it gets. Don't get me wrong, there are still the rough days weeks, when I drink a couple glasses of wine at night to keep from pulling my hair out, but overall, I'll take a 3 1/2 year old over the newborn stage any day. I can't even begin to fathom doing all of that again - waking every few hours, feeding & diapering every few hours, cleaning spit up off every surface of your house and person, potty training - but this time around, with an older but still small child fighting for my attention. Two of my siblings and I are each two years apart. It's very true what they say - you gain a whole new level of respect for your own mother after becoming a mother yourself. I have no idea who she tolerated a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a newborn day after day.

The response I usually get when I give people that explanation is, "Well what if you wait till Audrey's 10 or so?" Don't get me wrong, I know I'm very fortunate to have plenty of time to change my mind. I still have at least 10 child bearing years ahead of me. But, not only can I not picture doing all of the above described care with a small child along for the ride, I can't picture having a child who is a teenager, or almost a teenager, and then starting all over again with a newborn.

And finally, here comes the political part ... I believe overpopulation is a serious problem. I believe in, at most, replacing yourself. And I'll "claim" Audrey as my replacement, because her father sure doesn't need to be replaced.


Yep.

Happy Birthday to Me

Thanks, Chase. How about some extra cash as a bday present?

The ATM was the first to wish me Happy Birthday. Although in everyone else's defense, the ATM was a day early - this picture is from yesterday.

I turn 27 today. 27! Most days I'm proud of where I'm at in life. There are definitely some things I'd change, but overall I'm ok. 26 was very hard, but a lot of the troubling aspects ended with a positive outcome, so 27 is looking like it will be much better, and boy, am I looking forward to that.

Summer Plans

There are some things I would like to do/accomplish this summer, so I wasn't sure whether to call these goals, plans or both. Let's stick with plans. It sounds more promising than goals, doesn't it? Goals are something one hopes to achieve. Plans are more concrete, something that is likely to happen (because everyone knows nothing is ever definite).

1. Try new local places. I've lived in my neighborhood for 4+ years now and there are many restaurants I've never tried. I don't have a big budget for eating out, but when I do go out to eat, my new plan is to keep trying new places, especially around my neighborhood. A few local ones I'd like to try: The Grey Dog, Scarpetta, Ovest Pizzoteca, Tipsy Parson, The Half King. I'd also like to explore more of our city in general - I'd like to take Audrey to some new parks this summer. I also plan to do some outdoor movies. At Hudson River Park, family movies play every Friday beginning July 11th, and at the South Street Seaport, movies have already begun every Wednesday and Saturday. All free! Also, while I've been to many museums in New York, Audrey has only done a couple of the Children's museums. I think she's old enough to enjoy the Museum of Natural History, so I think we will try that soon.

2. Beach trip. Audrey is off preschool for two weeks in August, so I plan on taking a couple days off myself and heading to the beach. I'm hoping to make it an overnight trip to New Jersey - Wildwood or somewhere near there. We can also take the Seastreak to Sandy Hook for day trips on the weekends throughout the summer. My child loves the beach, so we will definitely be doing at least a couple beach days throughout the summer.

3. Finish the Game of Thrones books (well, the 5 currently published anyway) and knock off some of the other books on my reading list including: All the Light We Cannot See, The Silkworm, The Snow Queen, Middlemarch, The Book of Life, Half of a Yellow Sun and Where'd You Go, Bernadette. I do read pretty quickly, but I doubt I'll finish ALL of these by the end of the summer. There's always something to read next though, the list is never ending. Call me a nerd, I love books.

4. Add more exercise and veggies into our day. Overall, we both love vegetables. I eat a salad for lunch most days, and I try to include a side of veggies with Audrey's lunch. I want to make dinner more vegetable-heavy though, and come up with (either by my own creation or browsing pinterest) some new recipes, like the veggie sandwich I had the other day. Also, we walk a lot on the weekends, but during the week I'd like to start going for walks either right after work/preschool or after dinner. The Highline is so close, providing a great place to walk. I also thought about doing some yoga at home - nothing advanced, stuff Audrey can have fun doing with me. I hope to incorporate exercise into her life from an early age - and I don't mean going to the gym, just being active and enjoying it. And to be vain for a minute - of course I'd love to lose weight/gain muscle/look hot in a bikini ;)

5. Write, write, write. I want to keep up with this blog, whether anyone ever reads it or not. I only want to stop writing when I feel I have nothing to share. I want to write outside of this space, also. Sticking with the working towards my future goals theme, I also want to look into MBA programs. I currently take business classes, but they are pointless (well, other than allowing me to defer my student loans). I need to stop wasting my time - either drop the classes entirely or figure out an MBA program that works for me.

There are more mundane things I NEED to do this summer - involving doctor appointments, court dealings, etc., but doctors appointments are boring, and the court dealings are for a whole separate post.

 

On Figuring It Out

 

The view from my boss's office. Sadly, not my view.
I'm not one of the Important people around here. Yet.

It. Capital I. As in, what do I want to do with my life?

I was ambivalent on this topic even pre-child, so factoring in another little person's needs has made it even more difficult to figure out the next steps. I have worked in admin at a law firm for about three and a half years now. At first, I thought there was no room to grow from my current position, but I lucked out and started working for someone Important (again, capital I on purpose - the powers that be will tell everyone here they're important, but some are a little more important than others). Let's call him Grumpy Cat, for privacy's sake. Working with the prestigious Grumpy Cat of the legal world results in constantly being in contact with other Important people, stretching the boundaries of my job description, and taking on special projects. I think with the right networking, and some advanced education, I could go somewhere with this. Business Development type stuff, possibly. But is that what I want to do?

I started college at NYU undeclared, planning to pursue Journalism. After one boring class on the technical side of Journalism, I switched to English. I figured I could go in many different directions from there - teaching, law, get an MBA - and it would be a good base. After I graduated, I did a Paralegal certificate program - partially to stall making a decision on the next step, partially to determine if the law really interested me, but mostly to be able to defer those crippling student loans - more on that in a future post.

My daughter was born right as I was finishing the certificate, and three months later I started at my current job. I thought a law firm would be the best way to determine once and for all if law school was in the cards for me. Spoiler Alert: Nope. There are many reasons behind me coming to this decision. I can't add to my already ridiculous student loan debt, nor can I take off work for three years to pursue the degree. And frankly, I don't want to. Big Law is not for me - the politics, the insane hours, the obnoxious clients who feel every question is a matter of life or death. In my adventures at Family Court (again, more on that in a future post) I spoke to my own lawyer a bit about going into family law, and learned the market is just as oversaturated as Big Law, and first year associates in small firms generally make less than I do now. With the responsibility of another person to care for, not to mention those evil student loans, I can't afford that pay cut.

I have always wanted to write. I wrote stories a lot as a kid. There was one particularly ridiculous one I remember - kind of a copy cat attempt of one of those Sweet Valley High books. Something about a girl being trapped in a resort overnight. Um hello, ten year self. Resorts don't close. I have also always read constantly. I still make time to read as often as realistically possible - on the train, when I take a lunch break, after mini-me has gone to bed. Reading as much as possible is the first step in becoming a great writer, right? Well I've got that down. The next step is pushing myself to actually do the writing. Maybe I should take up Ernest Hemingway on his advice to "Write Drunk, Edit Sober" and dive in.

In the meantime, I keep pondering the back up plan - what do I do if I don't become the next Great American Novelist? Time will tell.